Hey there, Mordemalcontents!
I think I’ll take today to drop a little knowledge on some of the new summoners out there at the Institute. We have to have a little chat, guys.
Now, I know some of you are super-intense Pentakill fans. That’s awesome, it really is, and I appreciate the fandom. But if you’re going to choose to summon me to the fields of battle, you need to have more than a basic appreciation of my awesome musical prowess. You need to actually know what you’re doing. I cannot count the amount of times that a new summoner chooses me and makes me look like a fool. Clarity Revive? Sending me into the jungle (we all know that’s where Amumu belongs)? I’m not a particularly demanding champion (unlike Crackball McGee the lightning squirrel). Just knowing the basics will get you everywhere with me.
So, before you hurl me into the rift willy-nilly thinking my sheer awesomeness will carry you through, maybe talk to a few veteran summoners about how best to utilize me. Because if you don’t, you should remember that I will remember who you are. And that I’m still looking for backup singers for the ABBA cover show.
That’s it for today, Kaiserkommisars! SHRED ON.
Anonymous asked: -giggle-
CAN I PWAY THE TAMBOURINE?!
Annie! It’s so good to see you on here. Of course you can, kiddo!
PS: Feel free to let Tibbers play with the crowd. They don’t mind. He’ll fit right in in the mosh pit.
Anonymous asked: Sup bro, I was just wondering. If you're like, still looking for a vocalist, I could maybe do some bro vox.
I’m going to murder you. It’s not even going to be funny. It’s just going to be straight up horrible murder. Do I look like I’m getting ready to produce “St. Anger,” you beer-swilling excuse for a berserker? You don’t have what it takes to be a part of the Pentakill sound texture.
Listen, when I am washed up and writing songs about generically furious white summoners, we’ll talk. Till then, have a free ticket to the Guaranteed Annihilation section. No, really. On the house.
Anonymous asked: What's the hourly wage for a Male Lux Impersonator?
Well, it’s minimum wage…1 gold per 10 seconds…but the benefits are great. You get a signed certificate stating that I will only slaughter one member of your family per year and another signed certificate stating that when Lux finds out about and tries to murder you with her searing magical lasers, we will make sure your family gets blindfolds before we finish them off.
I think its a good deal. Send your resume over and we’ll see what we can work out.
Anonymous asked: You know, I think I can sing pretty well, I'll throw up a picture from me and my old band, check it out.
…Listen. You may not be what we’re looking for. Let me hook you up with Morgana and Nocturne. They’re…uh…they’re more…into that kind of thing.
Anonymous asked: Do you make more money with Pentakill or with the Institute of War?
Wait, who’s getting paid by the Institute of War? Nobody told me this was a paying gig? They just showed up and were like “Ha bound you to our service!” Somebody owes me some gold.
Who’s soul do you have to plunge into darkness to get a straight answers around here? This is so being written into a song.
Does anyone want to be my friend? I feel really alienated out here on Summoner’s Rift… Everyone keeps telling me to be the “tank.” I think they really just want me to go get hurt, so that they can ignore me until I respawn..
Alright. I like your pathos, kid.
Can you play an instrument? Sing? Wear a blond wig and aim a roman candle at the crowd while screaming Demacia?
We may have a place for you.
I just want to let everyone know, that the whole ‘phantom dancers’ thing is old and done. If I have to hear some random guy talk about how they’re ‘such great big items,’ when I walk into a room once more, they’re losing a hand. The only person allowed to address them by that name is my Spinny-boo, and I think at this point he knows better. So now that I’ve said it, if you lose a hand from one of my blades, it’s your fault.
By the fangs of the Horticarnian Death Hounds, this is so true. So…so very true. I keep getting people asking me questions about how big my mace is. It’s even worse when they start asking me about whether I’ve got a needlessly large rod. I mean, come on. This is ridiculous. I should just take all of these people with their obscene questions, the panties thrown on stage, the tavern room numbers shouted out wildly as I walk off stage. I’m more than a sex object. I am an artist. I am a vocalist and guitar player. I am a warrior. I mean, I didn’t spend eons destroying beacons of hope in dimensions that your pathetic little minds couldn’t even dream of to spend twenty minutes after every show trying to get panties off my armor spikes.
I just want people to appreciate me for my art. Not my incredible, unmatchable sex appeal. It just makes me want to burn an orphanage.
Anonymous asked: Necrobation? - Kaiserkiddo15
According to my sources in the backalleys of Zaun, that’s actually already something. You don’t want to know what it is. But just for bringing that up, you get free tickets. You do not, however, get two tickets to the “No Annihilation” section. You get one. The other ticket will be in the “Guaranteed Annihilation” section. You can decide which of your friends gets slaughtered mercilessly and has their soul dragged out of the grave to play the Marimba solo in “Howls of Fury and Madness.”
Thanks for trying, Kaiserkiddo15! If I don’t see you at the show, I’ll consume the souls of your family and make them the back up vocals for my cover of Dancing Queen.